Say Uncle!

UNCLE!  Remember when we were kids tormenting each other with noogies and dare I say Indian burns?  The only way out was to yell UNCLE!  Then if you were a meanie like me….you would pretend that you didn’t hear these shouts for surrender.  Come on, you know you did it too.  You know…that feeling of sole power even if only for a moment in time.  You may have not equated it to that “power” feel but thinking about it now I bet you are nodding your head.

I have always been one who likes to be in control.  I enjoy being the one to pay the bills.  I enjoy planning the vacations.  I enjoy having say in just about everything.  I have become better at releasing that control to DaddyCool and empowering our children to make choices for themselves as well.  I started a blog so I could express my opinions.

Actually, I started this blog for a few reasons. 

One was that I really enjoy writing.  I enjoy getting my thoughts out on paper.  The problem I am having is that I had been in a pretty rough place and can’t even get myself to put stuff out on paper.  As a result, I built a bunker and hid.  I came out when baited with begging but I wasn’t really here.  I am not quite sure where I have been really.  Sure physically I can tell you everywhere I was these past weeks, but emotionally, spiritually….no clue.

The other was to have an outlet to be funny and sarcastic.  I really can be fun.  Yet looking back on my posts I don’t even feel like that is “me” writing.  It is missing something important…just not sure where I placed it.

And finally...my arm was being twisted by another control freak blogger and I had to scream Uncle and do it to shut her up <wink>.

But it seems as though I have lost control of it all. 

Some call it a funk, some call it a phase….I call it my bottom.  I haven’t been right for a while now. A long while.  It has been so long I can’t even remember when things changed.  Why do I feel this way?  Why can't I just be happy?  Why can't I control my angry button?  I am extremely blessed with an awesome husband and three awesome kids yet somewhere I am disconnected.  Why?

I have become great at focusing on every small thing which is bad and blow it up into the newest “end of the world”.  I have lost all control.

I yell.. a lot…. Loud… over stupid things.  I lose control.

I am sad…a lot… over, well I don’t quite know.  I cry in the shower because I have lost control of not.

So I call UNCLE to it all and I have taken the first step in helping me.  Today I will attend my first counseling session.  I just need to talk…I think…I want to understand.  I just want to really find me.  I want to feel in control of my day….emotionally.

I deserve it and most certainly my family deserves it.  We all need a better “me.”

I hope you will all hold my hand for this journey.  Other than DaddyCool and one very important friend in my life no one knows this part of me.  It is hard to admit when you are in need of help.  It is always easy to ask for praise of your successes.