Doing Your Best.....Really?

How often do you hear “I am just doing my best?” 

Do you believe it? 

When you say it do you really mean it?  

For me that is like the awkward “How are you doing” question that really has no weight behind it.  The majority of people just ask because it is the nice thing to do.  They most likely really are not interested in how your day is going. 

I would bet the same on the “doing your best” trending.  I would challenge you to stop telling people that you are doing your best. Additionally stop telling others to just do their best. 

I bet you are thinking I am crazy….and maybe I am.

What if I said that saying you are doing your best is an excuse?  Would that make you mad?

“Aw man, I did my best!”

Do you think doing your best even exists? 

Do you even know what your best is?

Here is my take on it…. It does not exist.  I believe that no one really knows what their best is.  It is a false gauge we set for ourselves.  It is a measurement of what we “think” we can do.  So by saying you are doing your best you are limiting yourself from doing more.

Let’s think about it.  If I told you that I needed you to climb a local hill in less than 30 mins.  You would most likely laugh at me and tell me it was not possible.  However if your life was at risk or one of a loved one and climbing that hill was your only option you would find a way. You see it all the time.  Real life super heroes.  They didn’t wake up saying that their best was to do that heroic act.  Reality is they probably had no clue what they are capable of that morning.  Sure there was fight or flight, sure there was adrenaline….the bottom line is that ordinary person was capable of doing much more than they thought they were capable of.

I am challenging you to join me in not limiting yourself to a false sense of measurement.  Don’t limit your opportunities for success.  The “best” is a personal limitation.  A comfort zone if you will.

Rather than focusing on the self made limits…just do it.  Whatever it is.  If you just “do” you can’t fail because you will be successful.  You will open many more opportunities.

Quit living life with your self-made limitations. 

Just live.
Just do.

Let's Pretend...

How many times a day do you hear that in your home?  I have lost count. 

Lil One: Hey let’s pretend we are Mommy and Daddy and we have a baby.

Lil Two: Yay! Oh and let’s pretend we are going to the park with our bikes.

Lil One:  Oh yay! Let’s pretend we are…

You get the picture.  If you are a parent I am sure you hear it at your house too…more than once. 

But let’s pretend that we actually sat down as parents and listened to what they were saying in those conversations.  Let’s pretend they were a window into who “we” are.  Yes, even in their little child forms. 

Let’s pretend that they actually had something to teach us….about us.

Think about it.

Have you ever spent the time to listen to your children play?  I am talking about the good innocent play moments when they don’t even know you are listening or watching.  If you haven’t, you should.  If you would just pretend that nothing else is as important as that moment….you will remember that moment when you need it most.

The Ref household has been going through some tough times.  I have been called to school more times than I care to mention.  I am crushed that “my kid” is a trouble to others.  I don’t understand it.  It hurts me.  It affects us all.  The other child is embarrassed that a sibling is a trouble maker.  The little one wants to mimic it all.  DaddyCool and I are out of tricks to get to the root issue.  We have begun parent counseling to support us through and hopefully dodge my child from being asked to leave this school.

Then this morning…I just stopped and listened.

Children playing….

I stopped and heard

“Let’s pretend that we are just sitting and cuddling our babies because we missed them today”

Response was

“Ya…..I miss Mommy and Daddy when I am at school”

Cuddle your babies today.  Everyday

Will this change all my issues? No! 

It will however help remind my children that I miss them just as much and we are in this together.

Life isn’t always unicorns and rainbows….but when you are hugging those babies…you can just pretend it is…a moment or two won’t hurt.  Promise.

 

Explode

Social media has opened the doors of opportunity.  It can provide an opportunity to reconnect with old friends and make new ones.  It has provided a place for people like me to write and save thousands of dollars on therapy.  It does not discriminate…even if you can’t write well…it will still welcome you….we will just laugh at you.  Social media has increased awareness of awesome goodness around the world.  It has also provided a strong vehicle to raise awareness for causes near and dear to our heart.  It has also served as a reminder that our society is comfortable flaunting irresponsible actions and lack of good judgment.  They are ok expressing their feelings of being entitled to something without putting in some time to grow/deal with it.

I am fully aware that I am not required to read everything my “friends” put out there.  However, I chose to for two main reasons.  One is for entertainment value.  Two is so I can save more money on therapy as I reassure myself I am not as messed up as others.  (I know you have those thoughts too…its ok I won’t ask you to stand up or raise your hand).

Recently the Mommy Ref Court has been dealing with some tough situations.  I have not written about them yet as honestly it still hurts and we are still smack dab in the middle.  Nothing life threatening…just a lot at once going on with the kids and of course that dreaded “M” word.  Money.  We don’t advertise our issues in media land because they are ours.  We will deal with them.  However not everyone feels that way…..that is where my head wants to explode….nearly once a day.

I will explode if I have to witness another woe is me money post followed up a short time later with pictures of your Vegas trip, weekend getaway, or your status about new Disney season passes.

I will explode if I hear one more person complain about your child being sick because you had a date night planned.  You are a parent, it is your job.  Date nights can be rescheduled.  So can vacations for that matter….does it suck, yes….but such is life with children.  Expect the unexpected...it’s in the fine print.

I will explode if I have to read another degrading post about one of your children as you praise your “perfect one” for all to see.  Then you post later about how that child always gets left out or picked on….I have a mirror for you Momma Dear.

I will explode if I have to read about your money drama because you quit a job because it was too hard to get there at 7am.  You are not married, you don’t have children to tend to, you are lazy.  Grow up.

Life is tough…period.  We all have “stuff” some worse than others indeed.  What these things show me day in and day out is that many people are clueless.  They are selfish.  They are lost.  When did we turn into a world that feels entitled to things?  When did the work hard to enjoy life plan leave society?

If you are having money issues, quit spending on stuff that is not essential!

If your child is sick, take care of them…Everything else can wait…trust me

If you are struggling with one child, deal with it and stop comparing them to the other child.  Trust me it is not helping anything.  If you typing it, chances are you are modeling it too.

If you can’t get to work by 7am, you are lazy.  Period.  If it is due to a child care issue…..you are now stupid for quitting without a job in place.  With a little research and asking people are willing to help.  Now you have made it worse.

We teach our children to be responsible for their actions.  We should be too.

The right thing to do and the hard thing to do are usually the same.  So suck it up buttercup and take care of your business the right way.

Not Guilty!

Welcome to Take Two of February’s Secret Subject Swap. This week, 14 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts.   

My “Secret Subject” is:  

You’ve been found “not guilty”. What were you accused of and why?

It was submitted by: Baking In A Tornado

Bailiff:  Order in the court! Order in the court!  The honorable Judge Reality is now presiding. 

Judge Reality: You may be seated.  Has the jury come to a decision?

Juror: Yes your honor, we have.

Judge Reality: Please read your findings.

Juror: The jury finds The Mommy Ref….. Not Guilty on all accounts of being the “Worst Mom Ever”.

Judge Reality:  Case Dismissed, you are free to go Ms. Ref.

Mommy Ref turns to the court room of peers and begins to belt out... 

Na-na-nahh-na, na-na-nahh-na, hey, hey, hey...goodbye! .

Rewind:

Eight years prior I found out I was expecting my first child.  DaddyCool and I were ecstatic to say the least.  We made promises and plans to how we would parent.  We shared notes of the good and bad moments of our own childhood.  We thought about the day we would be sideline parents encouraging them every step of the way in whatever it was their heart was after.  What we didn’t plan for was the drama from other parents that would follow.  The constant spotlight people have on you for every step of the way.  The constant suggestions from others on how we should do things.  The never-ending “words of wisdom” people felt the need to share whether they have experienced being a parent or not.  We didn’t account for this.  To be honest, why would people care, I mean they surely have other things to think about then our choices in the parenting world.  Right?

Wrong!

People are crazy!  Really they are!  And with the world of social media there are more ways to be crazy!  There are more opportunities to be in people’s business.  Create drama.  Feed the drama.  And be the self-proclaimed expert. That is what got me into this mess.  Other people thinking they know what is best for my family.

The bottom line is this:

I am a good Mom.

I know this because I question myself daily on if the decisions I am making for my children are going to lead them to be the best they can be.  I am constantly evaluating and re-evaluating how to parent my three kids as they are all different in how they respond.  I know because I am able to see when I am not being a good Mom.  I don’t walk around thinking I have it all figured it.  It is a daily struggle….some days are minute by minute struggles!

The reality is I love my children.  Even if some of my ideas end up flawed, I am always trying my best.  I always love my children with all of my heart.

Yes, I might yell more than is socially acceptable at times.  I may lack good judgment of when to not over react.  I may be awful at following through at times.  I don’t allow my kids to “win” all the time as a means of teaching them the reality of losing.  And I just might feed my children cereal for dinner more nights than I care to admit.

Even with those things, I am not a bad mom.

Every night I tuck my kids into bed at night.  I tell them “no” to too much sugar, TV, and video games.  I scream “yes” when they want to eat fruits and veggies or go run outside!  I hug them just because and hug them tighter when they are hurt.  I have learned very recently to say I am sorry when I make mistakes because it is important they see it is ok to make a bad choice.  I will read them the same book a zillion times even though we have three shelves of books.  I play Barbies, house, cars, army men, and other imagination games even if I feel all my creativity has escaped me. I encourage them to learn life skills like finding the best deal on toilet paper or gas for the car.  I teach them the value of saving money so it won’t burn a hole in their pocket when they have money of their own one day.  I remind them to speak up so they are taken seriously and to be respectful of others ideas. (Even if that is what got me in the mess in the first place)
The measure of my success as a Mom is how much I love them, my ability to be there for them and my awareness to ask for help when I need it as a Mom.

I have realized that too often we are our hardest critics (unless you live with my son...see my last post about that).  I am a good Mom.  I will make mistakes.  I will learn from them.  My kids are my life.

I.AM.A.GOOD.MOM

Grab some coffee and hop around to some other great Bloggers in the swap, links are below:
 

http://www.BakingInATornado.com

http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com/                           

http://suburbiainterrupted.com/                             

http://stacysewsandschools.wordpress.com/

xcartwright.blogspot.com   

http://snarkfestblog.blogspot.com/                          

http://www.themommyref.blogspot.com/

http://www.comeplayinthekitchen.com/

http://macdonaldsplayland.blogspot.com

http://www.theadventuresofthefamilypants.com

http://adventuresinhickeyland.blogspot.com

http://dawnsdisaster.blogspot.com/

http://sorrykid.blogspot.com

www.theblacksheepmom.blogspot.com

 

Not Me! Absolutely Not!

As a parent there are certain things you just never do.  Like ever!  So to make sure we are all in this together I will share some of the things I did not do this past week.  Hope you will enjoy and let me know what you did not do this week too.

No way, absolutely not, I would have never:

Told my son to pull jeans from the laundry pile, they don't look dirty.  You will be fine.

Said to get those old to get those dirty balls out of your mouth….to my son

Asked my children to stop screaming so I can hear myself scream.

Washed my hands and then poured more soap on my hands in an effort to grab a paper towel

Attempted to put the milk away in the cupboard

Forgot about my cold brew iced tea I was making for over 30 mins (it only takes 3mins) Oh and this was not the first time either!

And I most defiantly did not laugh at my poor husband in pain.  It was most certainly not funny when he would get a slight strong pain in his neck and it would cause him to twitch.  I was not laughing at him, nope not me!

More importantly, 

I did not write my daughter's birthday wrong on the forms I sent to school.  Nope not me.  I mean my mom would have NEVER had to call me at work to let me know that I forgot my own daughter's birthday, I mean I was there for it!  Nope not me!

I did not fall asleep at 6:45pm on a Saturday night.  I would never do that, that is way too lazy.

I did not let my daughter sleep in her clothes because she "loves her dress so much" and wanted to sleep in it too.

I do not shake the coffee creamer with the lid open spraying creamer all over the kitchen floor and myself.  I would never be too tired to do something like that.

I would never admit that my lil son said "damn it" clear as day.  There is no way my child would have heard that from me, nope never.

I did not allow my children to yell in the parking structure at the hotel because they realized it echoed.

I did not tell my 4 year old that I have special powers to know when he is lying.

I did not feed my children junior mints at 7:30 in the morning to keep them quiet.

I would not to these things as I am far more organized and put together than this.  Ok, so maybe, just maybe I lied about having super powers...but the jury is still out on that one.

Friendship - My Guest Post Reblogged

This is the post I was so thankful to have the opportunity to write for a dear friend's blog.  I thought I would post it here in case you missed it!  She is a real friend and we are more than bloggers harassing one another.  We harass each other in real life.  We also support each other.  We cry, we scream, we are there for each other because that is what we do.  Even if she talks about spandex more than any human should and wishes for unicorn farts….  It was only fitting that I write about Friendship.

 

A few nights ago, I was talking to a dear friend of mine.  We have known each other for more years than I care to say for fear of feeling old.  We met in 9^th grade. I still remember the party and all the stupid people there….good ones too.  That is where we connected the first time.  We were not “close” in high school.  We had similar friends but different schedules.  I hung out with a mix of people and played basketball.  She had some similar friends but was not in my “sports” world.  As high school ended, so did our connection until one awesome day when we reunited on Facebook.  I say Facebook sucks a lot, but I truly am thankful more than not as I have been reunited with my dear friend.  Reunited at a time in which I needed someone the most.  My marriage was rocky; I felt as though I was not cut out for this parenting gig…but was two kids into it.  I was dealing with a lot of strong issues just in time to find out I was pregnant with #3.  I about lost it….but she didn’t judge, she was there.  Anytime I needed her, she was there.  Good thing she didn’t charge…I would be broke.

I found myself thinking of the other significant friendships that I have had throughout my life.  Just yesterday I ran into a woman that I have known since I was 3.  Yes, 3!  We have known each other almost all our life yet since high school we never connect other than by chance.  The funny thing is, when we see each other it is if we have been hanging out all the time.  There is just a connection.  I can’t explain it.  We can go from being incredibly estranged to close and connected in minutes.

That is my life pattern though.  The people I have known for years come and go often only reconnected because of social media.  I wonder if “I” am the reason I don’t have any friends that stick it out.  My husband and his BFF are in contact daily.  They were in each other’s weddings.  They have a bond.  Yet for me, the friendship fades, or changes or…. do I?

Until recently I really never thought about it.  Maybe it is me getting older and all soft.  The hard truth is that when friendships are lost it is often viewed as a personal failure, sometimes it is even embarrassing to some.  This is where I believe we begin to judge ourselves too hard on our ability to make and maintain friends.  I found this quote and it put things into a new light for me:

"Each friend represents a world in us,
a world possibly not born until they arrive,
and it is only by this meeting
that a new world is born."
~ Anais Nin

I look at all the people I have come across regardless of the amount of time I had them in my life and I can see what they brought to me.  Some brought great memories and others brought great sadness, but both brought opportunities to learn more about me.  Each and every person I have crossed paths with and have been able to call a “friend”, even for a short time has molded me to who I am today.  I sincerely hope I have done the same for them. 

This is the essential key. 

 

It is about me.  It is about me being ok with me.  We all connect for various reasons.  Embrace the time spent and grow with it. Don’t take it personally, just take what you have learned from your interactions.

“If one is estranged from oneself, then one is estranged from others too. If one is out of touch with oneself, then one cannot touch others.” -Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Friendships will come and go.  Life leads people in a new direction at times.  The reality is sometimes we just outgrow our friends.  It doesn’t have to be because of something we did or they did.  It may simply be because we are needed elsewhere and so are they.  

Don’t forget the friends you keep around for pure entertainment value.  You all have one and know what I am talking about.  That is a whole other topic for another time.