Let's Pretend...

How many times a day do you hear that in your home?  I have lost count. 

Lil One: Hey let’s pretend we are Mommy and Daddy and we have a baby.

Lil Two: Yay! Oh and let’s pretend we are going to the park with our bikes.

Lil One:  Oh yay! Let’s pretend we are…

You get the picture.  If you are a parent I am sure you hear it at your house too…more than once. 

But let’s pretend that we actually sat down as parents and listened to what they were saying in those conversations.  Let’s pretend they were a window into who “we” are.  Yes, even in their little child forms. 

Let’s pretend that they actually had something to teach us….about us.

Think about it.

Have you ever spent the time to listen to your children play?  I am talking about the good innocent play moments when they don’t even know you are listening or watching.  If you haven’t, you should.  If you would just pretend that nothing else is as important as that moment….you will remember that moment when you need it most.

The Ref household has been going through some tough times.  I have been called to school more times than I care to mention.  I am crushed that “my kid” is a trouble to others.  I don’t understand it.  It hurts me.  It affects us all.  The other child is embarrassed that a sibling is a trouble maker.  The little one wants to mimic it all.  DaddyCool and I are out of tricks to get to the root issue.  We have begun parent counseling to support us through and hopefully dodge my child from being asked to leave this school.

Then this morning…I just stopped and listened.

Children playing….

I stopped and heard

“Let’s pretend that we are just sitting and cuddling our babies because we missed them today”

Response was

“Ya…..I miss Mommy and Daddy when I am at school”

Cuddle your babies today.  Everyday

Will this change all my issues? No! 

It will however help remind my children that I miss them just as much and we are in this together.

Life isn’t always unicorns and rainbows….but when you are hugging those babies…you can just pretend it is…a moment or two won’t hurt.  Promise.

 

Explode

Social media has opened the doors of opportunity.  It can provide an opportunity to reconnect with old friends and make new ones.  It has provided a place for people like me to write and save thousands of dollars on therapy.  It does not discriminate…even if you can’t write well…it will still welcome you….we will just laugh at you.  Social media has increased awareness of awesome goodness around the world.  It has also provided a strong vehicle to raise awareness for causes near and dear to our heart.  It has also served as a reminder that our society is comfortable flaunting irresponsible actions and lack of good judgment.  They are ok expressing their feelings of being entitled to something without putting in some time to grow/deal with it.

I am fully aware that I am not required to read everything my “friends” put out there.  However, I chose to for two main reasons.  One is for entertainment value.  Two is so I can save more money on therapy as I reassure myself I am not as messed up as others.  (I know you have those thoughts too…its ok I won’t ask you to stand up or raise your hand).

Recently the Mommy Ref Court has been dealing with some tough situations.  I have not written about them yet as honestly it still hurts and we are still smack dab in the middle.  Nothing life threatening…just a lot at once going on with the kids and of course that dreaded “M” word.  Money.  We don’t advertise our issues in media land because they are ours.  We will deal with them.  However not everyone feels that way…..that is where my head wants to explode….nearly once a day.

I will explode if I have to witness another woe is me money post followed up a short time later with pictures of your Vegas trip, weekend getaway, or your status about new Disney season passes.

I will explode if I hear one more person complain about your child being sick because you had a date night planned.  You are a parent, it is your job.  Date nights can be rescheduled.  So can vacations for that matter….does it suck, yes….but such is life with children.  Expect the unexpected...it’s in the fine print.

I will explode if I have to read another degrading post about one of your children as you praise your “perfect one” for all to see.  Then you post later about how that child always gets left out or picked on….I have a mirror for you Momma Dear.

I will explode if I have to read about your money drama because you quit a job because it was too hard to get there at 7am.  You are not married, you don’t have children to tend to, you are lazy.  Grow up.

Life is tough…period.  We all have “stuff” some worse than others indeed.  What these things show me day in and day out is that many people are clueless.  They are selfish.  They are lost.  When did we turn into a world that feels entitled to things?  When did the work hard to enjoy life plan leave society?

If you are having money issues, quit spending on stuff that is not essential!

If your child is sick, take care of them…Everything else can wait…trust me

If you are struggling with one child, deal with it and stop comparing them to the other child.  Trust me it is not helping anything.  If you typing it, chances are you are modeling it too.

If you can’t get to work by 7am, you are lazy.  Period.  If it is due to a child care issue…..you are now stupid for quitting without a job in place.  With a little research and asking people are willing to help.  Now you have made it worse.

We teach our children to be responsible for their actions.  We should be too.

The right thing to do and the hard thing to do are usually the same.  So suck it up buttercup and take care of your business the right way.

Midget Time!

Being a parent we spend a lot of time answering questions. 


What is this? Why is that? 

If you are anything like me you spend a lot more time trying to figure out how to answer some of those questions.  You want to provide a good answer but you also want to avoid leaving it open for follow up questions. 

This past week I was tagged by two bloggers to answer questions about me.  I am honored they thought about me, so thank you to Bigaandlittlea and Sadderbutwiser !   You ladies rock!   

Players make sure you check these ladies out....tell them I sent ya.  Maybe there is a cool door prize or something...

However, I have done a post like this before AND I have ran a "Get to know the MommyRef post on Facebook........so I figured you don't want to know more about me!  I did however think you might enjoy my spin on it as it is Midget's 4th birthday this week. I decided I would ask him some of these questions.  Now to be honest I got some real answers and some "I dunno" answers....so I answered for him on some of them.  C'mon he is four!  Hope you enjoy my little spin...





1. When did your last hug take place?
Whenever I see Mommy I hug her tight.  She says I give the best hugs and it makes her day.  Some call me a monkey for this very reason.  I love to be held and cuddle....eventhough I am getting big and strong

2. Are you a jealous person?
Only when it is my sister getting the attention.  It doesn't bother me with brother...but that sister is always breaking up my time with Mommy and Daddy.  I do share my toys well....most of the time.

3. Are you tired right now?
Tired? What is that?  I haven't taken a nap since I was 20 months old.  No that is not a typo.  I like to enjoy ALL of my day, don't want to miss a thing.

4. Do you chew on your straws?
Yes and Mommy tells me to stop.  She doesn't like all the slobbering mess...oh well.

5. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight? 
No, but that sounds like fun!  Maybe I will do that one evening before Mommy has a big meeting!

6. Do you cry easily?
Yes. I am four! What do you expect?!  I get my feelings hurt really easy.  I am an old man in a little body.  I also cry when my siblings get hurt.  I am tough though.  I broke my arm last year and didn't cry (because I was scared) and told my Mommy to take me to the doctor cause he needs to fix it like Handy Manny.

7. What should you be doing right now?
I should be playing Batman and Robin!  Or cleaning my toys out of the walk way.

8. Are you mad at someone right now?
Yes! My mom for asking me all these questions....can I go now?

9. What (who?) makes you laugh no matter what?
TICKLES!  and my big brother

10. What are you NOT looking forward to?
Dating, you chicks are crazy!

11. What ARE you looking forward to?
Learning how to play the guitar and driving.

12. What’s the last thing you put in your mouth?
You probably don't want to know....neither does Mommy.


13. Who was the last person you took a picture of?
I love to take pictures!  There are hundreds on my moms phone...

14. Three names you go by..
This is a trick question!  I know my Mommy doesn't use my name here!  But she does call me the midget sometimes....and lil man.... and Bubba

15. What is your all-time favorite romance movie?
Does Tangled count?  I love to pretend to be Flynn.

16. Do you have a special talent?
Yes.... I can make the darkest day bright....or so my Mommy says...and she knows everything....right?

17. What is your favorite food?
Pizza!  I love pizza.  Plain vanilla ice cream....nothing in it yuck!

18. What is the first thing you notice about people?
Their shoes....what?!  I am short and knee caps are boring!  A couple more inches and I will be able to assess their....... belly button... what?  What did you think I was going to say?

19. What is your super power?
I have a strong sense of smell.  I can smell anything....it is freakish....but cool.

20. What do you look for in a friend?
Who has cool toys?  They also have to be nice, I don't like mean kids.

When we were done he asked, why did you ask me so many questions.  I replied that I was just trying to keep up with all his questions.  He thought about it and said....  Sorry Mom, but I ask better questions than that.   Sounds like a challenge to me.....little smarty pants!  Happy Birthday Sweet Baby Boy!

Now, the fun part: tagging others!! How about if you read this and would like to answer the questions on your own, do it!  Be sure to tag your blog post below so others can come check it out.  Free advertisement...a gift from the midget on his birthday!

Not Guilty!

Welcome to Take Two of February’s Secret Subject Swap. This week, 14 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts.   

My “Secret Subject” is:  

You’ve been found “not guilty”. What were you accused of and why?

It was submitted by: Baking In A Tornado

Bailiff:  Order in the court! Order in the court!  The honorable Judge Reality is now presiding. 

Judge Reality: You may be seated.  Has the jury come to a decision?

Juror: Yes your honor, we have.

Judge Reality: Please read your findings.

Juror: The jury finds The Mommy Ref….. Not Guilty on all accounts of being the “Worst Mom Ever”.

Judge Reality:  Case Dismissed, you are free to go Ms. Ref.

Mommy Ref turns to the court room of peers and begins to belt out... 

Na-na-nahh-na, na-na-nahh-na, hey, hey, hey...goodbye! .

Rewind:

Eight years prior I found out I was expecting my first child.  DaddyCool and I were ecstatic to say the least.  We made promises and plans to how we would parent.  We shared notes of the good and bad moments of our own childhood.  We thought about the day we would be sideline parents encouraging them every step of the way in whatever it was their heart was after.  What we didn’t plan for was the drama from other parents that would follow.  The constant spotlight people have on you for every step of the way.  The constant suggestions from others on how we should do things.  The never-ending “words of wisdom” people felt the need to share whether they have experienced being a parent or not.  We didn’t account for this.  To be honest, why would people care, I mean they surely have other things to think about then our choices in the parenting world.  Right?

Wrong!

People are crazy!  Really they are!  And with the world of social media there are more ways to be crazy!  There are more opportunities to be in people’s business.  Create drama.  Feed the drama.  And be the self-proclaimed expert. That is what got me into this mess.  Other people thinking they know what is best for my family.

The bottom line is this:

I am a good Mom.

I know this because I question myself daily on if the decisions I am making for my children are going to lead them to be the best they can be.  I am constantly evaluating and re-evaluating how to parent my three kids as they are all different in how they respond.  I know because I am able to see when I am not being a good Mom.  I don’t walk around thinking I have it all figured it.  It is a daily struggle….some days are minute by minute struggles!

The reality is I love my children.  Even if some of my ideas end up flawed, I am always trying my best.  I always love my children with all of my heart.

Yes, I might yell more than is socially acceptable at times.  I may lack good judgment of when to not over react.  I may be awful at following through at times.  I don’t allow my kids to “win” all the time as a means of teaching them the reality of losing.  And I just might feed my children cereal for dinner more nights than I care to admit.

Even with those things, I am not a bad mom.

Every night I tuck my kids into bed at night.  I tell them “no” to too much sugar, TV, and video games.  I scream “yes” when they want to eat fruits and veggies or go run outside!  I hug them just because and hug them tighter when they are hurt.  I have learned very recently to say I am sorry when I make mistakes because it is important they see it is ok to make a bad choice.  I will read them the same book a zillion times even though we have three shelves of books.  I play Barbies, house, cars, army men, and other imagination games even if I feel all my creativity has escaped me. I encourage them to learn life skills like finding the best deal on toilet paper or gas for the car.  I teach them the value of saving money so it won’t burn a hole in their pocket when they have money of their own one day.  I remind them to speak up so they are taken seriously and to be respectful of others ideas. (Even if that is what got me in the mess in the first place)
The measure of my success as a Mom is how much I love them, my ability to be there for them and my awareness to ask for help when I need it as a Mom.

I have realized that too often we are our hardest critics (unless you live with my son...see my last post about that).  I am a good Mom.  I will make mistakes.  I will learn from them.  My kids are my life.

I.AM.A.GOOD.MOM

Grab some coffee and hop around to some other great Bloggers in the swap, links are below:
 

http://www.BakingInATornado.com

http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com/                           

http://suburbiainterrupted.com/                             

http://stacysewsandschools.wordpress.com/

xcartwright.blogspot.com   

http://snarkfestblog.blogspot.com/                          

http://www.themommyref.blogspot.com/

http://www.comeplayinthekitchen.com/

http://macdonaldsplayland.blogspot.com

http://www.theadventuresofthefamilypants.com

http://adventuresinhickeyland.blogspot.com

http://dawnsdisaster.blogspot.com/

http://sorrykid.blogspot.com

www.theblacksheepmom.blogspot.com

 

My Toughest Critic

Over the past 2 months I have been on a journey.  I journey to rediscover “me”.  If you are a parent you know the drill…. putting everyone and everything before yourself.  I too fell into that mindset.  I became a provider for all but nothing to myself.  I found myself angry more than not; however I could never pin point why I was angry.  I just felt the rage.  Then one morning I looked in the mirror….like actually LOOKED in the mirror.  Not just the quick glance we usually give ourselves to make sure we don’t have snot or toothpaste on our face.  I looked and I was surprised what I saw…as I truly did not see me.  I saw a tired sad person.  I saw a body but couldn’t see past that.  I was obese.  This is the only thing I could see.

Now don’t get me wrong, I knew I was overweight before this moment.  My family would find nice ways to hint at the thought. My doctor always would allude to the fact that I could shed a few…or more.  It would improve my blood pressure.  I would have more energy.  I would feel better.  I knew all these things however really lacked the will to do anything about it.    Until 2 months ago.

Often times we are our toughest critics.  We can be really hard on ourselves.  Nitpicky on everything we don’t like about body, hair, my eyes are too close together (really they are) or just plain old self.  However, I didn’t fall into this.  I was more extreme.  I simply was of the denial mentality.  I don’t know what else to really call it.  I “knew” all the things I needed to do…just lacked the focus or desire to get it done.

What happened 2 months ago?  What made me actually “see” what I needed to see?

The turning point for me was my son. 

My oldest son has a heart of gold and often over thinks everything…and I mean everything.  On top of that, he is very honest.  He can’t even lie to make you feel good.  If he doesn’t like something, you will know.  I was sitting on the couch and reached over to hold his hand.  This is a delicate move as this is the time we balance if it is cool to cuddle with Mom.  He looked at my hand and then up to me and proceeded to tell me that I needed to put some polish on my nails because my hands look better than way.  Recently I posted about DaddyCool helping me dye my hair.  Once morning hit, my son came down to see me and the first thing he said was “I don’t like that color on you”.  I asked him what color would he like…fully expecting an “I don’t know answer”.  However he walked close to me and pulled a section of hair from underneath and said…”This color with some red in it”.  Yes, he is only 7.  He knows what he likes and wants.  I admire that in him. 

This little gem of mine is the source of my “ah ha” moment.  At one of our bedtime talks he asked me why I didn’t play sports anymore.  I answered with that I am not in shape to play those things right now.  He looked at me and said, so change that.  At first I wanted to explain to him that it just wasn’t that easy.  It was much more complex than that….but I stopped.  I stopped because truth is…he was right.  The only thing holding me back was me.  I told him that I would work on better choices and be fit for the next basketball season.  He smiled and said…I know you will do it because you always do what you tell us you will. (can someone pull out the knife?)

That is when I realized that I am good to my word for everything I do, except for when it comes to things for ME.  Just as they deserve happiness and a healthy life, I do too.  I NEED this so that I can be there to provide for them.  What good am I on the couch too large to move or be a part of anything they are doing? 

Two months into this journey and I have lost 25 pounds.

Each day is easier to be me.

Each day is more joyous than the next.

I still have a long road ahead of me, but I know it is going to be an awesome journey.  My toughest critic will be with me every step of the way.  The best part is I know he is honest and has my best interest in mind.  He has a heart of gold and a mind of many men.  I love that he is my son.

Not Me! Absolutely Not!

As a parent there are certain things you just never do.  Like ever!  So to make sure we are all in this together I will share some of the things I did not do this past week.  Hope you will enjoy and let me know what you did not do this week too.

No way, absolutely not, I would have never:

Told my son to pull jeans from the laundry pile, they don't look dirty.  You will be fine.

Said to get those old to get those dirty balls out of your mouth….to my son

Asked my children to stop screaming so I can hear myself scream.

Washed my hands and then poured more soap on my hands in an effort to grab a paper towel

Attempted to put the milk away in the cupboard

Forgot about my cold brew iced tea I was making for over 30 mins (it only takes 3mins) Oh and this was not the first time either!

And I most defiantly did not laugh at my poor husband in pain.  It was most certainly not funny when he would get a slight strong pain in his neck and it would cause him to twitch.  I was not laughing at him, nope not me!

More importantly, 

I did not write my daughter's birthday wrong on the forms I sent to school.  Nope not me.  I mean my mom would have NEVER had to call me at work to let me know that I forgot my own daughter's birthday, I mean I was there for it!  Nope not me!

I did not fall asleep at 6:45pm on a Saturday night.  I would never do that, that is way too lazy.

I did not let my daughter sleep in her clothes because she "loves her dress so much" and wanted to sleep in it too.

I do not shake the coffee creamer with the lid open spraying creamer all over the kitchen floor and myself.  I would never be too tired to do something like that.

I would never admit that my lil son said "damn it" clear as day.  There is no way my child would have heard that from me, nope never.

I did not allow my children to yell in the parking structure at the hotel because they realized it echoed.

I did not tell my 4 year old that I have special powers to know when he is lying.

I did not feed my children junior mints at 7:30 in the morning to keep them quiet.

I would not to these things as I am far more organized and put together than this.  Ok, so maybe, just maybe I lied about having super powers...but the jury is still out on that one.

Competition

I was speaking with a co worker this past week and the conversation turned to our kids.  The conversation started off like all conversations I have with BTDT (been there done that) Moms.  The newer Moms out there know what I am referring to.  You know the comments...

"Oh, enjoy these days they grow up so fast!"
"Kids will be kids, just enjoy it"
"What young parents these days don't understand is...."  - This one can go so many wonderful ways
"If I was raising my kids in these days, I would never...."
"Parents today are too tough on kids too young"

And this is where the conversation changed a bit.  The topic of children and the stress of competition and disappointment.  I have to say that I am a 100% believer that extra curricular activities are great for children. DaddyCool and I were both into extra curricular activities in which we both agree kept us focused and out of trouble growing up.  Ms. Coworker was upset that we would enroll a 3 year old in dance and our 5 year old in basketball.  Her comment was "why rush it?".  My answer is, they asked so we found them a safe environment to test it out.  I invited her to come watch my daughter's joy while in her dance class.  I invited her to come see how much my son loves to play animal ball basketball and that he begs to play more. I will never force my children to "do" anything, but I will not shelter them from the opportunity to try it out.

So as if I didn't upset her enough she then says "I guess you would be happy to beat your child at a board game"  I don't think she was wanting me to actually answer that by the look on her face, but I did anyway.

I do believe that children need to be exposed to the possibility of rejection or "losing" as early as they can comprehend it.  Now before you flame me for that, let me explain.  One important factor - In moderation.  For example, when we play board games here DaddyCool and I do not "let" the kids win.  If we are playing Candyland or another children's game and they happen to come in last we use that as a learning experience.  My co worker thought that was completely out of line and why would we want to "hurt" them in these precious years.

So to that I say this, losing might hurt for a bit when it is Mommy and Daddy, but when they are at school it is going to hurt a lot worse if they have never been exposed to some disappointment in life.  The tough reality is they won't win at everything and the answer will not always be "yes".  Why not use a safe environment to mold them to handle this in the real world?

Now don't worry, when are are facing bigger challenges we don't go around demoralizing our children.  Well, at least I don't.  You might have to ask DaddyCool how proud he was to have beat our 6 year old in checkers.  (ha ha).  No but really, there is judgment used when to teach these valuable lessons and when to "let" them enjoy the victory.  That is the balance each parent finds for each child's tolerance for learning these tough lessons.  Losing is a reality....Reality bites sometimes.

Slowing It Down

Today starts an 8 day stretch.  A stretch of time which I do not get to enjoy often enough.  Time I am able to spend completely with my family.  Today starts my only "long" vacation from work for the entire year.  I will be away from the chaos for 8 whole days!  I am excited for the mental break from work life.  I am more excited about just being a wife and mom for 8 whole days.

I have been looking forward to this for a long time.  A very long time.

Now the question is what will I do with the 8-9 hours more with my family duties.  Should I do more chores?  Plan wonderful things for us to do?  Nah.  I am going to just "be".  Enjoy what the day brings and enjoy the moments I usually miss out on.  The little things.  I plan to spend  my time on the little things and little ones in my life.

I will be slowing down for a bit, because let's face it, we often are moving too fast.

Moving too fast and we don't realize it until it is too late. 

Slowing it down...

Today I will put the brakes on the rush of it all and throw it in neutral for the ride.
An 8 day ride...
I am excited to see what this trip brings.