My Toughest Critic

Over the past 2 months I have been on a journey.  I journey to rediscover “me”.  If you are a parent you know the drill…. putting everyone and everything before yourself.  I too fell into that mindset.  I became a provider for all but nothing to myself.  I found myself angry more than not; however I could never pin point why I was angry.  I just felt the rage.  Then one morning I looked in the mirror….like actually LOOKED in the mirror.  Not just the quick glance we usually give ourselves to make sure we don’t have snot or toothpaste on our face.  I looked and I was surprised what I saw…as I truly did not see me.  I saw a tired sad person.  I saw a body but couldn’t see past that.  I was obese.  This is the only thing I could see.

Now don’t get me wrong, I knew I was overweight before this moment.  My family would find nice ways to hint at the thought. My doctor always would allude to the fact that I could shed a few…or more.  It would improve my blood pressure.  I would have more energy.  I would feel better.  I knew all these things however really lacked the will to do anything about it.    Until 2 months ago.

Often times we are our toughest critics.  We can be really hard on ourselves.  Nitpicky on everything we don’t like about body, hair, my eyes are too close together (really they are) or just plain old self.  However, I didn’t fall into this.  I was more extreme.  I simply was of the denial mentality.  I don’t know what else to really call it.  I “knew” all the things I needed to do…just lacked the focus or desire to get it done.

What happened 2 months ago?  What made me actually “see” what I needed to see?

The turning point for me was my son. 

My oldest son has a heart of gold and often over thinks everything…and I mean everything.  On top of that, he is very honest.  He can’t even lie to make you feel good.  If he doesn’t like something, you will know.  I was sitting on the couch and reached over to hold his hand.  This is a delicate move as this is the time we balance if it is cool to cuddle with Mom.  He looked at my hand and then up to me and proceeded to tell me that I needed to put some polish on my nails because my hands look better than way.  Recently I posted about DaddyCool helping me dye my hair.  Once morning hit, my son came down to see me and the first thing he said was “I don’t like that color on you”.  I asked him what color would he like…fully expecting an “I don’t know answer”.  However he walked close to me and pulled a section of hair from underneath and said…”This color with some red in it”.  Yes, he is only 7.  He knows what he likes and wants.  I admire that in him. 

This little gem of mine is the source of my “ah ha” moment.  At one of our bedtime talks he asked me why I didn’t play sports anymore.  I answered with that I am not in shape to play those things right now.  He looked at me and said, so change that.  At first I wanted to explain to him that it just wasn’t that easy.  It was much more complex than that….but I stopped.  I stopped because truth is…he was right.  The only thing holding me back was me.  I told him that I would work on better choices and be fit for the next basketball season.  He smiled and said…I know you will do it because you always do what you tell us you will. (can someone pull out the knife?)

That is when I realized that I am good to my word for everything I do, except for when it comes to things for ME.  Just as they deserve happiness and a healthy life, I do too.  I NEED this so that I can be there to provide for them.  What good am I on the couch too large to move or be a part of anything they are doing? 

Two months into this journey and I have lost 25 pounds.

Each day is easier to be me.

Each day is more joyous than the next.

I still have a long road ahead of me, but I know it is going to be an awesome journey.  My toughest critic will be with me every step of the way.  The best part is I know he is honest and has my best interest in mind.  He has a heart of gold and a mind of many men.  I love that he is my son.

When I Grow Up...

Growing up I always admired my Dad.  He could handle the most difficult situations with grace.  He was able to guilt me into telling him anything and everything.  I am convinced he knew the answers before getting me to come clean…but he had a way.  My Mom and I were close as well.  Being that she was a young lady when I was born, I always had the hip Mom that everyone thought was my older sister.  Looking at that now….that is pretty awesome.  My parents were by no means perfect.  They gave 100% indeed.  They loved us to the moon and back.  They went without to give to us things we needed.  At a young age I realized this.  I saw the sacrifice.  I saw the dedication.  I saw that I was taken care of.

As with any of you there are attributes I would hope I took with me into my parenting journey.  There are also attributes I would wish to never have my children experience.  Our house was safe.  We weren’t hit or abused but my Mom has a very short fuse.  This is something I said I would never have with my kids.  I mean they are kids.  I am to be patient and loving and teach them their ways.  I see Mothers do it all the time.  I saw my Dad always keep his cool.  It was something I would do for my kids.

With my first child I was that parent.  I was so patient and loving and nothing would get me going.  That lasted until he was walking….then number two and number three.  Well, let’s just say I am NOT the patient and understanding Mother I set out to be.  I do have great moments, but lately I have been struggling….. A LOT.

I yell too often.  I lose my cool too easy.  I just get frustrated when I should show more self control.  Then I go in a room and cry because I am upset that once again I have not been able to control myself.  I cry because I remember what it was like as a child when my mom got angry with us.  I cry because once again…I have failed in keeping my promise.

I wonder often why I didn’t become more like my Dad….but lately I think I know that answer.  You see my Dad never showed he was upset because he kept it all inside.  He never wanted to engage in an argument with my Mom.  He would hear her out and let the whole situation simmer down.  He didn’t challenge her often.  He loved her and wanted the best for her (and us) always.  I am not able to bottle up my feelings like that.  I need to talk about them…. Or do I?

The harsh reality is…I am not happy with ME. I don’t talk about that.  I have thought about going to talk to someone about it, but haven’t.  I have often thought about the reasons “why” and then stop.  The truth is…I am not sure how to go about this.  I can give advice to others.  I am able to support them through difficult times.  I feel that I have good judgment on when to be supportive and when to take action….. as long as the person is not me.  I want to lose weight to be a better role model and have a healthier life.  I have lost 20 pounds since December 1^st….and have now lost motivation again.  I have the best husband.  He is always there and always supportive.  My kids are thriving and healthy.  My family is close.  I have a successful career.  So is it all about the weight or is there more to this?  Honestly, I do not know…I am trying to figure that out. 

In the mean time, I need to work harder on being who I promised I would be as a Mom.  I need to be more patient, loving and kind.  I need to.  Yesterday confirmed this in a harsh honest way.  While cleaning I found a paper on the floor next to his desk.  It was written by my 7 year old.  He enjoys writing and usually it is really funny.  However, this was not funny.  It hit my heart like a ton of bricks.  It said, “If I see a wishing star night I would wish that my Mommy would never be upset enough to yell.  I love her hugs more”.

It broke my heart and warmed it at the same time.  I need to do better.  I am not setting out for perfection….just each day better than the next.

10

Ten down….many many more to go.  Today is the 10^th of December and I am officially down 10 pounds since I started this little thing called taking care of myself.  Co-Workers are asking what my secret is but I don’t have one.  I am just finally taking care of me.  Making sure I have time to choose the right foods to get me through the day.  Forcing myself to get out there and “do” things.  Making sure I have time to be the fun Mom.  I got out there and got active instead of dictating how to play a game.  I was out there showing them (winning sometimes too).  You know all those things that we should be doing but we often get too distracted to do.  Shhh, I even got DaddyCool to dance with me in the kitchen while making breakfast.  At first the kids thought we were crazy….then they couldn’t stop laughing.  Go “be” a kid again, even if just for a little while.  It does wonders.  Promise