Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Trying To Focus

Looking at myself lately…looking at the good and the bad. Evaluating decisions that have led me to where I am today. My family and kids are what I am most proud of.  I can think of everything awesome for my hubby, kids and family, but I keep finding myself forcing to refocus on things about “me”. It is sad really.  I mean I have never been a selfish person.  I am content with going without for others…but this time…it is not ok.  I need to refocus.  I need to make myself a priority.  I am not happy with where “I” am.  I am not talking about as a Wife, Mommy, or Career… I am referring to the rawest form of me.
I have been trying to digest why I get so angry at the drop of a hat.  Why am I “that” person now?  Why can I not control it?  Why do I continue to blast off just to cry off the embarrassment later?  I don’t have the answer, but I have some background thoughts.  Although I have the world… I am missing me.  I need to invest in me.  I have said this before and it lasts about 2 weeks.  My “me train” gets derailed and instead of getting back up on the rails….I stay on the sidelines.  Instead of plunging forward, I slip backwards.  Instead of doing things for me, I slip back into doing things for others…then I feel lost again.
Reality should have set in when the doctor identified me as obese.  My blood pressure high and in need of meds if not controlled.  My knees hurt going up the stairs.  I am tired after playing with the kids for short periods of time.  I am embarrassed in family pictures.  I avoid cameras.  But it hasn’t…and that bothers me…but it still hasn’t been enough for me to change.  Why?
With everything I do I want to be the best…I excel and make sure it is executed in a timely manner…but for myself I am continuously missing the mark.


  1. It's not just you! For too many Mommies, unfortunately this is true. We spend so much time giving to everyone else, that we don't care for ourselves like we should. I do the same thing-I say enough is enough, and for a couple of weeks I do well and then it's same old same old. I hope I get my act together sooner or later and really do it! :-)

  2. Thank you both! I agree, need to take the control back...very soon before I slip further! Mommy syndrome!

  3. I have been in this boat before, and luckily, I have pulled myself back up, but it has been a long, hard road. I am not the healthiest right now either, I have a long ways to go in the "fitness" department as well. It's really just about finding a regime that works. And I'm not talking about a work-out/diet one either. For me, it was learning to wake up earlier in the morning and give myself time to "regroup". Dependant upon your faith choice, this time looks different for everyone. For me, it was spending time in the bible, in a devotional study, and taking time to pray over the current day BEFORE my kids even woke up and began stealing my sanity. There's just something about taking time to "think" and collect yourself before you can be beneficial to anyone else. Things start falling into place and you become a bit more prepared for the moments of chaos instead of acting completely out of exhaustion and anger. I have a real problem (a generational curse, I suppose) with anger management myself. This regime has really helped curb that as well. Praying that you have the strength this time to focus on YOU. If you need any help or encouragement, I'm here, girl!