Looking at myself lately…looking at the good and the bad. Evaluating decisions that have led me to where I am today. My family and kids are what I am most proud of. I can think of everything awesome for my hubby, kids and family, but I keep finding myself forcing to refocus on things about “me”. It is sad really. I mean I have never been a selfish person. I am content with going without for others…but this time…it is not ok. I need to refocus. I need to make myself a priority. I am not happy with where “I” am. I am not talking about as a Wife, Mommy, or Career… I am referring to the rawest form of me.
I have been trying to digest why I get so angry at the drop of a hat. Why am I “that” person now? Why can I not control it? Why do I continue to blast off just to cry off the embarrassment later? I don’t have the answer, but I have some background thoughts. Although I have the world… I am missing me. I need to invest in me. I have said this before and it lasts about 2 weeks. My “me train” gets derailed and instead of getting back up on the rails….I stay on the sidelines. Instead of plunging forward, I slip backwards. Instead of doing things for me, I slip back into doing things for others…then I feel lost again.
Reality should have set in when the doctor identified me as obese. My blood pressure high and in need of meds if not controlled. My knees hurt going up the stairs. I am tired after playing with the kids for short periods of time. I am embarrassed in family pictures. I avoid cameras. But it hasn’t…and that bothers me…but it still hasn’t been enough for me to change. Why?
With everything I do I want to be the best…I excel and make sure it is executed in a timely manner…but for myself I am continuously missing the mark.