Thursday, March 21, 2013

Doing Your Best.....Really?

How often do you hear “I am just doing my best?” 
Do you believe it? 

When you say it do you really mean it?  

For me that is like the awkward “How are you doing” question that really has no weight behind it.  The majority of people just ask because it is the nice thing to do.  They most likely really are not interested in how your day is going. 

I would bet the same on the “doing your best” trending.  I would challenge you to stop telling people that you are doing your best. Additionally stop telling others to just do their best. 

I bet you are thinking I am crazy….and maybe I am.

What if I said that saying you are doing your best is an excuse?  Would that make you mad?

“Aw man, I did my best!”

Do you think doing your best even exists? 

Do you even know what your best is?

Here is my take on it…. It does not exist.  I believe that no one really knows what their best is.  It is a false gauge we set for ourselves.  It is a measurement of what we “think” we can do.  So by saying you are doing your best you are limiting yourself from doing more.

Let’s think about it.  If I told you that I needed you to climb a local hill in less than 30 mins.  You would most likely laugh at me and tell me it was not possible.  However if your life was at risk or one of a loved one and climbing that hill was your only option you would find a way. You see it all the time.  Real life super heroes.  They didn’t wake up saying that their best was to do that heroic act.  Reality is they probably had no clue what they are capable of that morning.  Sure there was fight or flight, sure there was adrenaline….the bottom line is that ordinary person was capable of doing much more than they thought they were capable of.

I am challenging you to join me in not limiting yourself to a false sense of measurement.  Don’t limit your opportunities for success.  The “best” is a personal limitation.  A comfort zone if you will.

Rather than focusing on the self made limits…just do it.  Whatever it is.  If you just “do” you can’t fail because you will be successful.  You will open many more opportunities.

Quit living life with your self-made limitations. 

Just live.
Just do.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Journey to...

Empty Road wallpaper

It is amazing how your life milestones can be captured into a one hour session.  Yesterday I took my first step to what I hope will get me to a better me. 
I went to a therapist. 
It was weird. 
I am not one to talk about myself.  I actually prefer not to.  The room was cozy and she did have her dog there.  (A cool dog she rescued that has one brown eye and on blue.)  She was pleasant asking me to tell my life tales.  She made me think about things I hadn’t remembered before on my own. 
For example, when we were running through the how I became a mom timeline I was reminded how difficult my middle child was as a baby.  How I felt that I was not equipped for this mothering thing.  Fellow Moms all confirmed that they too had felt this way at some point in their Mommyhood and it would pass.  I was also reminded how I lost 65 pounds in 6 months to find out I was pregnant with #3 while on birth control.  Control is the key factor there.  I was trying to control becoming a Mommy again. It failed.  I was struggling with 2 kids and the normal grind and did not want to increase my Mommy duties…but then came Lil Man. 
I cannot imagine life without him.  I would not change it for the world.  I will deal with me for the blessing of having him.  I do not question why this happened against all odds.  But thinking about all of this has opened my eyes to see that I am still dealing with something I have had since 2007…
Depression is not something I would have thought I have.  Depression is something I would equate with not wanting to get out of bed, poor eating patterns, lack of wanting to be social and other withdrawing situations.  This is not me.
What I didn’t know was that depression can linger and one can hide behind a mask when needed and get through life one day at a time.  When they are in a comfort zone they often then lose control.  Sometimes crying uncontrollable or sometimes in anger.  This is me.
I get up daily.  I go to work as a successful business woman.  I have a great marriage.  Three thriving awesome kidlets.  I have it all figured out at dance, football, and basketball.  I have time to volunteer.  I coach.  I even have time to entertain at my house for others.  The problem arises when all those “activities” are done. 

I lose it.  I break down.  I crash.
Unless I am going 100 MPH I shut down.  These are the moments I yell the most.  I need things to speed up to “feel” normal again.  People aren’t moving fast enough.  People aren’t doing the things I want them too.  Most often these “people” are my little adorable children.  Sadly most the things I yell about are not even important.
The problem is, when things slow down….the depression creeps up. 
She asked how I felt about medication.  I told her I didn’t know.  She equated it to a ladder to pull me from the ditch.  Is medication my only option?  I am stubborn and I want to get this under control myself.  I want to find ways to be “happy” when I am standing still.  I would like to own this. My journey begins today.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Say Uncle!

UNCLE!  Remember when we were kids tormenting each other with noogies and dare I say Indian burns?  The only way out was to yell UNCLE!  Then if you were a meanie like me….you would pretend that you didn’t hear these shouts for surrender.  Come on, you know you did it too.  You know…that feeling of sole power even if only for a moment in time.  You may have not equated it to that “power” feel but thinking about it now I bet you are nodding your head.

I have always been one who likes to be in control.  I enjoy being the one to pay the bills.  I enjoy planning the vacations.  I enjoy having say in just about everything.  I have become better at releasing that control to DaddyCool and empowering our children to make choices for themselves as well.  I started a blog so I could express my opinions.
Actually, I started this blog for a few reasons. 
One was that I really enjoy writing.  I enjoy getting my thoughts out on paper.  The problem I am having is that I had been in a pretty rough place and can’t even get myself to put stuff out on paper.  As a result, I built a bunker and hid.  I came out when baited with begging but I wasn’t really here.  I am not quite sure where I have been really.  Sure physically I can tell you everywhere I was these past weeks, but emotionally, spiritually….no clue.
The other was to have an outlet to be funny and sarcastic.  I really can be fun.  Yet looking back on my posts I don’t even feel like that is “me” writing.  It is missing something important…just not sure where I placed it.

And arm was being twisted by another control freak blogger and I had to scream Uncle and do it to shut her up <wink>.
But it seems as though I have lost control of it all. 

Some call it a funk, some call it a phase….I call it my bottom.  I haven’t been right for a while now. A long while.  It has been so long I can’t even remember when things changed.  Why do I feel this way?  Why can't I just be happy?  Why can't I control my angry button?  I am extremely blessed with an awesome husband and three awesome kids yet somewhere I am disconnected.  Why?
I have become great at focusing on every small thing which is bad and blow it up into the newest “end of the world”.  I have lost all control.
I yell.. a lot…. Loud… over stupid things.  I lose control.
I am sad…a lot… over, well I don’t quite know.  I cry in the shower because I have lost control of not.
So I call UNCLE to it all and I have taken the first step in helping me.  Today I will attend my first counseling session.  I just need to talk…I think…I want to understand.  I just want to really find me.  I want to feel in control of my day….emotionally.
I deserve it and most certainly my family deserves it.  We all need a better “me.”
I hope you will all hold my hand for this journey.  Other than DaddyCool and one very important friend in my life no one knows this part of me.  It is hard to admit when you are in need of help.  It is always easy to ask for praise of your successes.

Friday, March 15, 2013

The Bachelor....Shhhh Its a Secret

Welcome to Take Two of March’s Secret Subject Swap. This week, 13 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts.

My subject is "How I Really Feel About The Bachelor"  It was submitted by  
BIG A and little a.   

Here it goes: 

The truth is...  I have never watched the ever!  

I am just not all that sappy business.  
Of course I believe in love.... and I am so very happy that I found it.  
I do believe in love at first site, although I have not experienced it.

I just never understood why all these "great" women would feel the need to go on a national show and fight over one man....a man they have never met when they sign up for the show.  They will put it all out there.  Like ALL of it...

They are CRA CRA to the max!  More crazy than some of you blogger people...really they are!  <wink>
They are in little to no clothes fighting to the end. Trash talking, back stabbing and making out.....wasn't that what we did in high school? Wait.....why isn't DaddyCool watching this?

Here's the thing if you wrap all the time this hunka hunka burning love has with these women it is less than a week time.  I don't know about you, but I could be anyone for a week.  This isn't enough time to get to know these people for who they really are.  But what do I know....I have never watched the show.  I actually went against the grain on "acceptable time before marriage" what do I know

What I do know is this.... people can meet the mate of their dreams in many ways and many times when they are least expecting it.  I met my Bachelor on the internet. read that right...on the computer.  I was a working Master's student and he was home recovering from a work injury that resulted in surgery.  He was bored at home on drugs...that probably explains a lot right there.  He wrote me an innocent email from a meeting board.  We exchanged emails for a few weeks before he even asked to call me.  I enjoyed having someone that liked and understand my humor.  When he finally asked to call me I was a bit scared.  What if all these LOLs weren't really true and I wasn't who he thought.  Then I got more scared.....what if he isn't who I thought?!  The first night we talked on the phone for time to get up and shower for work now hours long.  It was crazy....but it paid off.  We planned a lunch date because I didn't want to commit to a dinner....ha ha  ya I am a control freak like that!  I didn't want the date to end.  We saw this little old couple drinking margaritasNeither of us said anything about it that day.....but when he asked me to marry him he mentioned it.  He had seen it too.  He wanted to grow old with me to have some margaritas! 

We had our first date in December, were engaged in March and married the next January.

People thought we were crazy....and actually told us this.  We are still happily married and I couldn't imagine my life without him.  He balances me (check out this post if you haven't written by DaddyCool himself.  We are just right.  

Ironically those same people who thought we were so off base are now divorced and on to their next relationship adventure. 

 I would love to hear how you met your soul mate...and then go check out these other swap posts!                                                                                                               

Monday, March 4, 2013

Let's Pretend...

How many times a day do you hear that in your home?  I have lost count. 
Lil One: Hey let’s pretend we are Mommy and Daddy and we have a baby.
Lil Two: Yay! Oh and let’s pretend we are going to the park with our bikes.
Lil One:  Oh yay! Let’s pretend we are…
You get the picture.  If you are a parent I am sure you hear it at your house too…more than once. 
But let’s pretend that we actually sat down as parents and listened to what they were saying in those conversations.  Let’s pretend they were a window into who “we” are.  Yes, even in their little child forms. 
Let’s pretend that they actually had something to teach us….about us.
Think about it.
Have you ever spent the time to listen to your children play?  I am talking about the good innocent play moments when they don’t even know you are listening or watching.  If you haven’t, you should.  If you would just pretend that nothing else is as important as that moment….you will remember that moment when you need it most.
The Ref household has been going through some tough times.  I have been called to school more times than I care to mention.  I am crushed that “my kid” is a trouble to others.  I don’t understand it.  It hurts me.  It affects us all.  The other child is embarrassed that a sibling is a trouble maker.  The little one wants to mimic it all.  DaddyCool and I are out of tricks to get to the root issue.  We have begun parent counseling to support us through and hopefully dodge my child from being asked to leave this school.
Then this morning…I just stopped and listened.
Children playing….
I stopped and heard
“Let’s pretend that we are just sitting and cuddling our babies because we missed them today”
Response was
“Ya…..I miss Mommy and Daddy when I am at school”
Cuddle your babies today.  Everyday
Will this change all my issues? No! 
It will however help remind my children that I miss them just as much and we are in this together.
Life isn’t always unicorns and rainbows….but when you are hugging those babies…you can just pretend it is…a moment or two won’t hurt.  Promise.
 Unicorns and Rainbows Invitation

Friday, March 1, 2013

Say What?!

Guess who got tagged to talk about themselves. got it...this girl!  By the same blogger that forced me into this writing business.  Apparently she thinks I have more to say than I do.   
Crazy Kelly from DeBie Hive
Be sure to check her out!

1.  Where were you born? I was born in Southern California.  
2.  Were you named after someone?  Nope, well not that I know of.  My mom just liked my apparently many many people in the seventies did.  My name is pretty common around my generation.
3. How many children do you have?  Three.  Two boys and a girl
4. How many pets do you have?  1 dog  and a family of birds living by my front door
5. Your worst injury?  I am not sure which was worse.  I have broke my arm.  That was in my teen years and that was crappy as it blew my college basketball playing days.  This injury resulted in lots of therapy (physical, not mental).  I have had a knee surgery too....injured that on my honeymoon with DaddyCool (while I was sober)
6.  Do you have a special talent?  Not that I can think of.  Wow, I am so boring!
7.  Favorite thing to bake.  I don't bake much.  I pretty bad at baking.  When I do it is cookies and cupcakes.
8. Favorite Fast Food.  I love In-N-Out burger.  I also love Chipotle.  Yummm
9.   Would you bungee jump? No way....not by choice.  Never, I can't stand heights and I see no reason to jump off a perfectly stable platform.
10.  What is the first thing you notice about people?  If they are able to hold eye contact.  It really tells a lot about people.  Trust me
11.  When was the last time you cried? work...after a meeting.  Not my finest moment.
12.  Any current worries.  Absolutely.  This would be a post in itself.  I worry about money, job security, my kids, out health...I worry about a lot of things I can not control.......I really need to be in control.  
13.  Name 3 drinks you drink regularly.  Coffee, Water, Tea
14.  What’s your favorite book?  I can never forget the first time I read Charlotte's Web.
15.  Would you like to be a pirate.  YES!  I have a rare eye condition in which I will lose vision at some point.  This would make it all that much more cool!  A pirate I'd be!
16.  Favorite Smells.  Beach air, cookies, my clean children, lemons
17.  Why do you blog?  I am being forced to.... no not really.  I enjoy it.  I don't have the time to write as much as I would like, but I enjoy it when I do.
18. What song do you want played at your funeral?  Take the Money and Run  (no tears over me, go enjoy life)
19.  What is your least favorite thing about yourself.  My short fuse, my lack of angry management, my need to be in control ALL THE TIME
20.  Favorite hobby.  Playing sports, coaching sports, writing, camping, and when I do decide to do it....baking with the kids.
21.  Name something you’ve done, you never thought you would do?  I never thought I would be a Mom at three kids later I can't imagine NOT being one.
22.  What do you look for in a friend.  Someone that is more screwed up than me so I can laugh at them and feel normal. is my Facebook friends...  In real life, I want some that can admit when things are bad and enjoy when things are good.  Someone that loves to laugh at and with me.  
23.  Favorite Fun things to do?  I like to antique shop.  I have never bought anything but love looking!
24.  Pet peeves. The overuse of cliches.  "Think outside the box" and "marching to the same beat".  That annoys me.  I also can't stand when people are negative about their children.  They are children.... YOU need to grow up and teach them, don't criticize them. 
25.  Whats the last thing that made you laugh?  My kids on the way to school this morning.  They were demonstration what different um people AND animal farts sound like.  Although I tried not to laugh...honestly.  I lost it when the four year old gurgled for the fish fart.  I lost it....but that kid is so creative and smart...  I can be proud right?
Now, I am supposed to tag other bloggers.Most of the ones I follow were tagged in Kelly's post so I will tag a few more that I would love to hear from.
The Active Mum
The Momisodes
Big A Little a
When Crazy Meets Exhaustion 
Moms World 

Thursday, February 21, 2013


Social media has opened the doors of opportunity.  It can provide an opportunity to reconnect with old friends and make new ones.  It has provided a place for people like me to write and save thousands of dollars on therapy.  It does not discriminate…even if you can’t write well…it will still welcome you….we will just laugh at you.  Social media has increased awareness of awesome goodness around the world.  It has also provided a strong vehicle to raise awareness for causes near and dear to our heart.  It has also served as a reminder that our society is comfortable flaunting irresponsible actions and lack of good judgment.  They are ok expressing their feelings of being entitled to something without putting in some time to grow/deal with it.
I am fully aware that I am not required to read everything my “friends” put out there.  However, I chose to for two main reasons.  One is for entertainment value.  Two is so I can save more money on therapy as I reassure myself I am not as messed up as others.  (I know you have those thoughts too…its ok I won’t ask you to stand up or raise your hand).
Recently the Mommy Ref Court has been dealing with some tough situations.  I have not written about them yet as honestly it still hurts and we are still smack dab in the middle.  Nothing life threatening…just a lot at once going on with the kids and of course that dreaded “M” word.  Money.  We don’t advertise our issues in media land because they are ours.  We will deal with them.  However not everyone feels that way…..that is where my head wants to explode….nearly once a day.

I will explode if I have to witness another woe is me money post followed up a short time later with pictures of your Vegas trip, weekend getaway, or your status about new Disney season passes.
I will explode if I hear one more person complain about your child being sick because you had a date night planned.  You are a parent, it is your job.  Date nights can be rescheduled.  So can vacations for that matter….does it suck, yes….but such is life with children.  Expect the’s in the fine print.
I will explode if I have to read another degrading post about one of your children as you praise your “perfect one” for all to see.  Then you post later about how that child always gets left out or picked on….I have a mirror for you Momma Dear.
I will explode if I have to read about your money drama because you quit a job because it was too hard to get there at 7am.  You are not married, you don’t have children to tend to, you are lazy.  Grow up.
Life is tough…period.  We all have “stuff” some worse than others indeed.  What these things show me day in and day out is that many people are clueless.  They are selfish.  They are lost.  When did we turn into a world that feels entitled to things?  When did the work hard to enjoy life plan leave society?
If you are having money issues, quit spending on stuff that is not essential!
If your child is sick, take care of them…Everything else can wait…trust me
If you are struggling with one child, deal with it and stop comparing them to the other child.  Trust me it is not helping anything.  If you typing it, chances are you are modeling it too.
If you can’t get to work by 7am, you are lazy.  Period.  If it is due to a child care issue… are now stupid for quitting without a job in place.  With a little research and asking people are willing to help.  Now you have made it worse.
We teach our children to be responsible for their actions.  We should be too.
The right thing to do and the hard thing to do are usually the same.  So suck it up buttercup and take care of your business the right way.