Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Journey to...

Empty Road wallpaper

It is amazing how your life milestones can be captured into a one hour session.  Yesterday I took my first step to what I hope will get me to a better me. 
I went to a therapist. 
It was weird. 
I am not one to talk about myself.  I actually prefer not to.  The room was cozy and she did have her dog there.  (A cool dog she rescued that has one brown eye and on blue.)  She was pleasant asking me to tell my life tales.  She made me think about things I hadn’t remembered before on my own. 
For example, when we were running through the how I became a mom timeline I was reminded how difficult my middle child was as a baby.  How I felt that I was not equipped for this mothering thing.  Fellow Moms all confirmed that they too had felt this way at some point in their Mommyhood and it would pass.  I was also reminded how I lost 65 pounds in 6 months to find out I was pregnant with #3 while on birth control.  Control is the key factor there.  I was trying to control becoming a Mommy again. It failed.  I was struggling with 2 kids and the normal grind and did not want to increase my Mommy duties…but then came Lil Man. 
I cannot imagine life without him.  I would not change it for the world.  I will deal with me for the blessing of having him.  I do not question why this happened against all odds.  But thinking about all of this has opened my eyes to see that I am still dealing with something I have had since 2007…
Depression is not something I would have thought I have.  Depression is something I would equate with not wanting to get out of bed, poor eating patterns, lack of wanting to be social and other withdrawing situations.  This is not me.
What I didn’t know was that depression can linger and one can hide behind a mask when needed and get through life one day at a time.  When they are in a comfort zone they often then lose control.  Sometimes crying uncontrollable or sometimes in anger.  This is me.
I get up daily.  I go to work as a successful business woman.  I have a great marriage.  Three thriving awesome kidlets.  I have it all figured out at dance, football, and basketball.  I have time to volunteer.  I coach.  I even have time to entertain at my house for others.  The problem arises when all those “activities” are done. 

I lose it.  I break down.  I crash.
Unless I am going 100 MPH I shut down.  These are the moments I yell the most.  I need things to speed up to “feel” normal again.  People aren’t moving fast enough.  People aren’t doing the things I want them too.  Most often these “people” are my little adorable children.  Sadly most the things I yell about are not even important.
The problem is, when things slow down….the depression creeps up. 
She asked how I felt about medication.  I told her I didn’t know.  She equated it to a ladder to pull me from the ditch.  Is medication my only option?  I am stubborn and I want to get this under control myself.  I want to find ways to be “happy” when I am standing still.  I would like to own this. My journey begins today.


  1. This sounds chillingly like me. Not the doubts about being a mom. I always knew I wanted two and I knew that I would be happy about it. But the rest..I too need something always happening and then I shut down because I can't take it any more. My husband then reaches down and pulls me out and then I go through the cycle again!

    I think we definitely can do it together, Mom Ref!! Wanna try?!! If not, I agree with her ladder analogy, but it's worth a try to start our journey without it at first!!

  2. I have been in your shoes. Climbing the ladder.

  3. Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone.

  4. Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone.

  5. Wow. Is this how we have we programmed ourselves? That if we're not ultra busy, then worry sets in? This way of living is so ordinary. You've described just about every woman that I know.
    Is this our new normal?

  6. Good for you for taking the first step, lady!! We'll all be here for ya!

  7. when there is nothing going on, I, too, get anxiety attacks and more depression, don't know what it is be thankful I am not alone. thank you for sharing