Wednesday, January 23, 2013

When I Grow Up...

Growing up I always admired my Dad.  He could handle the most difficult situations with grace.  He was able to guilt me into telling him anything and everything.  I am convinced he knew the answers before getting me to come clean…but he had a way.  My Mom and I were close as well.  Being that she was a young lady when I was born, I always had the hip Mom that everyone thought was my older sister.  Looking at that now….that is pretty awesome.  My parents were by no means perfect.  They gave 100% indeed.  They loved us to the moon and back.  They went without to give to us things we needed.  At a young age I realized this.  I saw the sacrifice.  I saw the dedication.  I saw that I was taken care of.
As with any of you there are attributes I would hope I took with me into my parenting journey.  There are also attributes I would wish to never have my children experience.  Our house was safe.  We weren’t hit or abused but my Mom has a very short fuse.  This is something I said I would never have with my kids.  I mean they are kids.  I am to be patient and loving and teach them their ways.  I see Mothers do it all the time.  I saw my Dad always keep his cool.  It was something I would do for my kids.
With my first child I was that parent.  I was so patient and loving and nothing would get me going.  That lasted until he was walking….then number two and number three.  Well, let’s just say I am NOT the patient and understanding Mother I set out to be.  I do have great moments, but lately I have been struggling….. A LOT.
I yell too often.  I lose my cool too easy.  I just get frustrated when I should show more self control.  Then I go in a room and cry because I am upset that once again I have not been able to control myself.  I cry because I remember what it was like as a child when my mom got angry with us.  I cry because once again…I have failed in keeping my promise.
I wonder often why I didn’t become more like my Dad….but lately I think I know that answer.  You see my Dad never showed he was upset because he kept it all inside.  He never wanted to engage in an argument with my Mom.  He would hear her out and let the whole situation simmer down.  He didn’t challenge her often.  He loved her and wanted the best for her (and us) always.  I am not able to bottle up my feelings like that.  I need to talk about them…. Or do I?
The harsh reality is…I am not happy with ME. I don’t talk about that.  I have thought about going to talk to someone about it, but haven’t.  I have often thought about the reasons “why” and then stop.  The truth is…I am not sure how to go about this.  I can give advice to others.  I am able to support them through difficult times.  I feel that I have good judgment on when to be supportive and when to take action….. as long as the person is not me.  I want to lose weight to be a better role model and have a healthier life.  I have lost 20 pounds since December 1st….and have now lost motivation again.  I have the best husband.  He is always there and always supportive.  My kids are thriving and healthy.  My family is close.  I have a successful career.  So is it all about the weight or is there more to this?  Honestly, I do not know…I am trying to figure that out. 
In the mean time, I need to work harder on being who I promised I would be as a Mom.  I need to be more patient, loving and kind.  I need to.  Yesterday confirmed this in a harsh honest way.  While cleaning I found a paper on the floor next to his desk.  It was written by my 7 year old.  He enjoys writing and usually it is really funny.  However, this was not funny.  It hit my heart like a ton of bricks.  It said, “If I see a wishing star night I would wish that my Mommy would never be upset enough to yell.  I love her hugs more”.
It broke my heart and warmed it at the same time.  I need to do better.  I am not setting out for perfection….just each day better than the next.

3 comments:

  1. You are awesome. Don't you forget it, k? It's nice to know that other moms are human too. I constantly criticize myself for things that I have done, or more for things I haven't done. One day at a time, one thing at a time. It's all we can do!

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  2. It is one day at a time; one action at at time; We have to try to act instead of react; to control instead of let out of control. Damn hard to do but to hammer at it we must. In relationships we are not looking for perfection. We do hope one cares enough to try to become what they want to be. But remember 1st Peter 4:8 says that Love covers over a multitude of sins.... Keep loving those kids even when you mess up; tell them you are sorry as you love on them. Love each other through their struggles and their outbursts and their yelling and their crying. They dont want a perfect mom but a real one who loves them no matter what...even when she messes up.

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