Monday, March 18, 2013

Say Uncle!

UNCLE!  Remember when we were kids tormenting each other with noogies and dare I say Indian burns?  The only way out was to yell UNCLE!  Then if you were a meanie like me….you would pretend that you didn’t hear these shouts for surrender.  Come on, you know you did it too.  You know…that feeling of sole power even if only for a moment in time.  You may have not equated it to that “power” feel but thinking about it now I bet you are nodding your head.

I have always been one who likes to be in control.  I enjoy being the one to pay the bills.  I enjoy planning the vacations.  I enjoy having say in just about everything.  I have become better at releasing that control to DaddyCool and empowering our children to make choices for themselves as well.  I started a blog so I could express my opinions.
Actually, I started this blog for a few reasons. 
One was that I really enjoy writing.  I enjoy getting my thoughts out on paper.  The problem I am having is that I had been in a pretty rough place and can’t even get myself to put stuff out on paper.  As a result, I built a bunker and hid.  I came out when baited with begging but I wasn’t really here.  I am not quite sure where I have been really.  Sure physically I can tell you everywhere I was these past weeks, but emotionally, spiritually….no clue.
The other was to have an outlet to be funny and sarcastic.  I really can be fun.  Yet looking back on my posts I don’t even feel like that is “me” writing.  It is missing something important…just not sure where I placed it.

And arm was being twisted by another control freak blogger and I had to scream Uncle and do it to shut her up <wink>.
But it seems as though I have lost control of it all. 

Some call it a funk, some call it a phase….I call it my bottom.  I haven’t been right for a while now. A long while.  It has been so long I can’t even remember when things changed.  Why do I feel this way?  Why can't I just be happy?  Why can't I control my angry button?  I am extremely blessed with an awesome husband and three awesome kids yet somewhere I am disconnected.  Why?
I have become great at focusing on every small thing which is bad and blow it up into the newest “end of the world”.  I have lost all control.
I yell.. a lot…. Loud… over stupid things.  I lose control.
I am sad…a lot… over, well I don’t quite know.  I cry in the shower because I have lost control of not.
So I call UNCLE to it all and I have taken the first step in helping me.  Today I will attend my first counseling session.  I just need to talk…I think…I want to understand.  I just want to really find me.  I want to feel in control of my day….emotionally.
I deserve it and most certainly my family deserves it.  We all need a better “me.”
I hope you will all hold my hand for this journey.  Other than DaddyCool and one very important friend in my life no one knows this part of me.  It is hard to admit when you are in need of help.  It is always easy to ask for praise of your successes.


  1. I LOVE YOU. So much. Even if you just called me a control freak up there. ;)

    You got this. And you can call me anytime, I'll climb in the hole with ya, bringing vodka, junk food and some really bad tv. xoxo

  2. Hey, lady--you're not alone. Check out JD Bailey at Honest Mom; she openly writes about her struggles that sound similar to yours. And dude, I'm a yeller. BIG TIME. I got sick of it. I just told myself to try to do better and I worked extra hard (in the name of Lent...) to be more patient. It's not easy. I'm nowhere near "patient," but I've seen a big improvement just from mind over matter. That's not always the antidote, but recognizing our shortcomings is the first step to fixing them. And that's exactly what you've done! I wish you much luck and love as you begin this journey!!

  3. Hang in there lady! I am going through some weird stuff too. I need counseling-that's no joke. I'm on Wellbutrin right now, and it's "ok". I know I don't want a pill to make me happy, but I think there should be more to it than this. I'm super duper busy through the end of this week, but then things start getting back to normal-if you wanna talk to you know where to find me! Sort of... I'm moving my blog quite soon!

  4. Hey lovely lady - I've been on facbeook a whole lot less lately and just realised I've been missing your posts because of it! I missed this one and just wanna say I hope you are feeling a bit better.. I'm thinking of you, and you're totally not alone.. we have all been there.

    Also, not sure if you got my email but all the buttons on my website are coming down today as I'm letting passionfruit ads take over.. I would still love to have your button up there for you so if you are interested then just enter the code SWAP at the checkout so its free.

    I know we are only bloggy friends, but you have been so wonderfully supportive of me in our bloggy friendship, if there is anything I can do while you are feeling a bit down then I'm only ever an email away!