My Toughest Critic

Over the past 2 months I have been on a journey.  I journey to rediscover “me”.  If you are a parent you know the drill…. putting everyone and everything before yourself.  I too fell into that mindset.  I became a provider for all but nothing to myself.  I found myself angry more than not; however I could never pin point why I was angry.  I just felt the rage.  Then one morning I looked in the mirror….like actually LOOKED in the mirror.  Not just the quick glance we usually give ourselves to make sure we don’t have snot or toothpaste on our face.  I looked and I was surprised what I saw…as I truly did not see me.  I saw a tired sad person.  I saw a body but couldn’t see past that.  I was obese.  This is the only thing I could see.

Now don’t get me wrong, I knew I was overweight before this moment.  My family would find nice ways to hint at the thought. My doctor always would allude to the fact that I could shed a few…or more.  It would improve my blood pressure.  I would have more energy.  I would feel better.  I knew all these things however really lacked the will to do anything about it.    Until 2 months ago.

Often times we are our toughest critics.  We can be really hard on ourselves.  Nitpicky on everything we don’t like about body, hair, my eyes are too close together (really they are) or just plain old self.  However, I didn’t fall into this.  I was more extreme.  I simply was of the denial mentality.  I don’t know what else to really call it.  I “knew” all the things I needed to do…just lacked the focus or desire to get it done.

What happened 2 months ago?  What made me actually “see” what I needed to see?

The turning point for me was my son. 

My oldest son has a heart of gold and often over thinks everything…and I mean everything.  On top of that, he is very honest.  He can’t even lie to make you feel good.  If he doesn’t like something, you will know.  I was sitting on the couch and reached over to hold his hand.  This is a delicate move as this is the time we balance if it is cool to cuddle with Mom.  He looked at my hand and then up to me and proceeded to tell me that I needed to put some polish on my nails because my hands look better than way.  Recently I posted about DaddyCool helping me dye my hair.  Once morning hit, my son came down to see me and the first thing he said was “I don’t like that color on you”.  I asked him what color would he like…fully expecting an “I don’t know answer”.  However he walked close to me and pulled a section of hair from underneath and said…”This color with some red in it”.  Yes, he is only 7.  He knows what he likes and wants.  I admire that in him. 

This little gem of mine is the source of my “ah ha” moment.  At one of our bedtime talks he asked me why I didn’t play sports anymore.  I answered with that I am not in shape to play those things right now.  He looked at me and said, so change that.  At first I wanted to explain to him that it just wasn’t that easy.  It was much more complex than that….but I stopped.  I stopped because truth is…he was right.  The only thing holding me back was me.  I told him that I would work on better choices and be fit for the next basketball season.  He smiled and said…I know you will do it because you always do what you tell us you will. (can someone pull out the knife?)

That is when I realized that I am good to my word for everything I do, except for when it comes to things for ME.  Just as they deserve happiness and a healthy life, I do too.  I NEED this so that I can be there to provide for them.  What good am I on the couch too large to move or be a part of anything they are doing? 

Two months into this journey and I have lost 25 pounds.

Each day is easier to be me.

Each day is more joyous than the next.

I still have a long road ahead of me, but I know it is going to be an awesome journey.  My toughest critic will be with me every step of the way.  The best part is I know he is honest and has my best interest in mind.  He has a heart of gold and a mind of many men.  I love that he is my son.